(no subject)

[erda]

I know a young woman who has had a very difficult life.



She grew up among various families who were very religious and very, very sex negative. Now as a young adult she is very unhappy with her sex life. I want to help her so very much but I'm at a loss. The whole thing of being unfamiliar with your own body and not taking pleasure in your sexuality is so outside my range of experience I don't know what to say to her. She doesn't read extremely well due to extreme deprivation prenatally and in early childhood so I don't know how to counteract all the negative stuff she's heard all her life. She needs exposure to positive views of women and sexuality, also positive views of PoC in general. Where might those positive views be for someone like her?

All the friends she has her own age are constantly bragging about their fantastic sex lives and making her feel worse. I think it's hellishly brave of her to admit she is unhappy and to struggle for her right to some sexual pleasure.

She doesn't feel comfortable talking to a therapist or to anyone in person but says she would talk to people online if she can stay anonymous.

She is willing to read and look at websites if they are not too complex.

Anyone have any ideas how to help?

Comments

[lilac-way.livejournal.com]

I wonder if the Go Ask Alice website would work? It's in Q&A format and covers both sexuality and relationships. The questions and answers are very short and to the point.

http://www.goaskalice.columbia.edu/Cat6.html

[keefaq.livejournal.com]

Hey, thanks. I haven't seen this site before. I'm looking through it now to see if there is anything that might help her.

[dancingwaves.livejournal.com]

Sent here through sasha_feather

Another great website (though not sure what level of complexity) would be another possible resource. They are here (http://www.a-womans-touch.com/index.php) and I have heard the person who does the Ask Dr. Myrtle responds to every email. She might also have some ideas.

Good luck. The fact that you are willing to help her is amazing ...

[keefaq.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much for the link. I haven't had time to check it out yet, but a quick glance looked intriguing.

Also sent by sasha_feather

[antarcticlust.livejournal.com]

I strongly recommend Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom (http://www.amazon.com/Our-Bodies-Ourselves-New-Era/dp/0743256115/ref=pd_bbs_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1211547308&sr=8-2) and also The Guide to Getting it On (http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1885535007/ref=cm_cr_pr_product_top). The former is a classic by, about, and for women, and the latter is THE BEST book on how to have a healthy sex life (emotionally and physically) that I have ever come across. It's thorough and covers everything from health issues to how to put on a condom. It's hip and irreverent enough to be fun, but it takes its topic seriously.

I would also recommend My Pleasure (www.mypleasure.com), which is a wonderful sex toy website that was founded by a doctor, who also does a Q&A on the website and has several "guides" to buying toys or other things, especially for first-time folks. There are also staff selections, and toys are organized by self-pleasure, couples pleasure, etc. It's a warm and inviting site and doesn't feel at all sketchy or gross.

Re: Also sent by sasha_feather

[keefaq.livejournal.com]

This is great. I'm going to check these books out and if they seem readable I'll probably send them to her.

I only wish I could find some soft porn or romance type of stuff featuring African American women; I don't know how to begin to look for that kind of thing. She reads these urban romances, but from what I've seen of them the sex doesn't seem very female affirming, in fact they're kind of harsh. You know, tough, strong man comes in and ravishes woman who is helpless before his strength, that kind of thing.

Re: Also sent by sasha_feather

[antarcticlust.livejournal.com]

Sadly, a lot (if not most) of the romance novels out there are like that. Maybe some African American chick lit? There might be more emphasis on finding happiness, etc...I entered "African American romance" on Amazon and found a lot of titles, but it might take some digging to find the good ones.

Terry McMillan (Waiting to Exhale, How Stella Got Her Groove Back) might be good!

(Sorry, bookstore veteran here!)

[littlebutfierce]

Also here via sasha_feather. Maybe Scarleteen will have something useful?

[keefaq.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the link, and your kindness in helping a total stranger. I haven't had time to go through the site yet, but it looks like it could be helpful.