Spoons: Emotional and Physical
Jan. 6th, 2010 10:32 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
erdaI'd heard this thing about Spoons before I got sick-I have an autoimmune disorder- but I'd forgotten about it, so it was interesting to revisit it.
I've never actually thought about it in terms of emotional spoons.
My entire life has been circumscribed by social phobia, which wasn't a named disorder when I was growing up, and so I wasn't able to receive any treatment/medication/insight or anything until I was an adult and had already developed enough workarounds to cope. Social phobia is highly treatable when you are young, but it gets harder the older you are, partly because the workarounds you tend to devise make it more bearable/manageable. I have very few spoons for dealing with authority figures, people I don't know well, or groups of people. I enjoy interacting with people I know well as much as anyone, but it is very hard for me to get to know people in the first place, which means I stick with people once I get past my initial difficulties, (hee-making me either clingy or loyal, depending on whether they like me back.)
I missed many, many days of school growing up, and dropped out of college only two semesters in, because I couldn't deal with the social aspect of it. I wasn't able to participate in girl scouts, and I dropped out of baton twirling class when I found out you had to be in the parade, though I loved my one on one lessons once I got over my fear of the instructor. I wanted to take music lessons very badly, but I was too anxious to try. It's hard for me to eat out, go to the movies, or participate in lots of ordinary things that most people do, unless I have someone along to talk and interact for me.
All of my fears in life revolve around people. For instance, I don't fear physical illness except for the part where it forces you to interact with unfamiliar health professionals. My first thought on seeing some problem/symptom with my body is not about pain, or dying, or anything like that. It's, "Oh Noes! I might have to talk to a stranger!" I have no fear of getting blood drawn, except for the anxiety around dealing with a different person every time I go to the lab. Working in an office, store, or anywhere that you have to deal with strangers is pretty much a no go even if I could get through a job interview. I can only work at a job where I am alone or in the company of a small number of familiar people. Which means I frequently feel isolated and sad about my isolation. I like people, and I like interacting with them.
One of the reasons I do well with foster kids is because they don't trip my authority figure anxiety, but even there I am best when I am alone with them. Sadly, that is the only time I can really be as affectionate, supportive and empathic as I want to be, because if we are out in public or in the company of therapists/doctors/social workers I get all stiff and awkward. I always feel like people will think I am insincere if I show a lot of affection/empathy for the kids in public, so I tend to be quiet and not interact much except when we are alone. Which sucks, but at least I can be myself when I am alone with them.
Anyway, fic fests, fic writing communities and all those things do trigger my social anxiety about groups to the point where I usually just stay in the background and lurk. I've heard people say the internet makes it easier for them to interact, but my social phobia seems to affect me online just as much as it does in real life.
I was wondering if there are other people who feel this way?
I've learned a lot about managing my spoons in regards to my physical illness, but I still mess up sometimes, which is why I had so much fun and hilarity staying up late last night with my daughter that now the day's physical spoons are sadly depleted, and I haven't even gotten completely dressed yet. But thinking about it this way makes me feel a lot less guilty.
I think everyone probably has only so many spoons, it's just that if you are young and healthy you have so many you don't get depleted often, and so you don't have to think about it much.
I've never actually thought about it in terms of emotional spoons.
My entire life has been circumscribed by social phobia, which wasn't a named disorder when I was growing up, and so I wasn't able to receive any treatment/medication/insight or anything until I was an adult and had already developed enough workarounds to cope. Social phobia is highly treatable when you are young, but it gets harder the older you are, partly because the workarounds you tend to devise make it more bearable/manageable. I have very few spoons for dealing with authority figures, people I don't know well, or groups of people. I enjoy interacting with people I know well as much as anyone, but it is very hard for me to get to know people in the first place, which means I stick with people once I get past my initial difficulties, (hee-making me either clingy or loyal, depending on whether they like me back.)
I missed many, many days of school growing up, and dropped out of college only two semesters in, because I couldn't deal with the social aspect of it. I wasn't able to participate in girl scouts, and I dropped out of baton twirling class when I found out you had to be in the parade, though I loved my one on one lessons once I got over my fear of the instructor. I wanted to take music lessons very badly, but I was too anxious to try. It's hard for me to eat out, go to the movies, or participate in lots of ordinary things that most people do, unless I have someone along to talk and interact for me.
All of my fears in life revolve around people. For instance, I don't fear physical illness except for the part where it forces you to interact with unfamiliar health professionals. My first thought on seeing some problem/symptom with my body is not about pain, or dying, or anything like that. It's, "Oh Noes! I might have to talk to a stranger!" I have no fear of getting blood drawn, except for the anxiety around dealing with a different person every time I go to the lab. Working in an office, store, or anywhere that you have to deal with strangers is pretty much a no go even if I could get through a job interview. I can only work at a job where I am alone or in the company of a small number of familiar people. Which means I frequently feel isolated and sad about my isolation. I like people, and I like interacting with them.
One of the reasons I do well with foster kids is because they don't trip my authority figure anxiety, but even there I am best when I am alone with them. Sadly, that is the only time I can really be as affectionate, supportive and empathic as I want to be, because if we are out in public or in the company of therapists/doctors/social workers I get all stiff and awkward. I always feel like people will think I am insincere if I show a lot of affection/empathy for the kids in public, so I tend to be quiet and not interact much except when we are alone. Which sucks, but at least I can be myself when I am alone with them.
Anyway, fic fests, fic writing communities and all those things do trigger my social anxiety about groups to the point where I usually just stay in the background and lurk. I've heard people say the internet makes it easier for them to interact, but my social phobia seems to affect me online just as much as it does in real life.
I was wondering if there are other people who feel this way?
I've learned a lot about managing my spoons in regards to my physical illness, but I still mess up sometimes, which is why I had so much fun and hilarity staying up late last night with my daughter that now the day's physical spoons are sadly depleted, and I haven't even gotten completely dressed yet. But thinking about it this way makes me feel a lot less guilty.
I think everyone probably has only so many spoons, it's just that if you are young and healthy you have so many you don't get depleted often, and so you don't have to think about it much.
(no subject)
Date: 2010-01-06 07:51 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2010-01-06 08:00 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2010-01-06 09:04 pm (UTC)I don't like to interact with most people socially, but I've had lots of customer service jobs, and for me that's totally different from other interaction, it's a formalized relationship (or it used to be) with rules and a structure and smart people realize I'm not providing good service because I like them. I think that's one of those workarounds you talked about, but I think it's a good one. I've never had any trouble answering comments on fic, as I know some folks do, because I'm totally okay with it being a bit of a superficial conversation most of the time.
I like being anti-social and I don't apologize for it, because the vast majority of people have no interests that intersect with mine. I used to struggle with feeling guilty or ashamed of my nature, but I'm very comfortable with it now. Where I am online, the vast majority of people don't bore me, or even irritate me very much. Also I can just ignore them much more easily when they do.
Fic exchanges are really not my thing, and not just because the only one I signed up for, I ended up having to write het! I actually really, really hate the failure and anxiety rhetoric that surrounds Yuletide, and NaNo and almost all fests--oh, I'm so bad for not writing enough, good enough, fast enough, when I bloody don't feel like it. It starts sounding like diet talk after a while. I like solo projects or writing in prompt fests, that sort of thing.
I definitely agree with you on the spoons disappearing as you get older. It's a skill managing your interactions so that what you do gives you the greatest amount of pleasure, and I think the first step is giving yourself permission to put your needs first.
(no subject)
Date: 2010-01-07 02:23 pm (UTC)Yeah, me too. I like it so much better here, but I'm not sure exactly why.
I like being anti-social and I don't apologize for it, because the vast majority of people have no interests that intersect with mine. I used to struggle with feeling guilty or ashamed of my nature, but I'm very comfortable with it now. Where I am online, the vast majority of people don't bore me, or even irritate me very much. Also I can just ignore them much more easily when they do.
This paragraph, just yes. I am and always have been so bored by my rl friendships, in which I constantly have to converse about and do things which are low interest to me, and never get to do or talk about the things I feel so passionate about. It's not so much that I don't like my rl friends, it's more that they hardly ever say anything new to me, whereas online I am surrounded by fascinating new thoughts and ideas from so many different viewpoints that I could wallow around in it 24/7. I mean, I have some interest in stuff like baking, crafts, child rearing, etc, but those are pretty much the only things I get to converse about in rl, and the world is so full of a number of other (more) interesting topics.
I am less than overjoyed at the way my reading list skews toward the younger set, though. I haven't found as many older people who share my particular interests, for some reason. Less of us are online, perhaps? Or maybe it's just that I lurked online while every one was getting into group years ago. I've felt the old school trek slash fans seem to be a bit insular, though perhaps that is just my oversensitivity. I don't mind talking to younger people, but I hate to seem like a youth worshipper, you know?
really hate the failure and anxiety rhetoric that surrounds Yuletide, and NaNo and almost all fests--oh, I'm so bad for not writing enough, good enough, fast enough, when I bloody don't feel like it. It starts sounding like diet talk after a while.
One of my fav things about you is the way you reject all the bullshit out of hand. I never noticed before, but you are so right that this sounds like diet self flagellation.
I think the first step is giving yourself permission to put your needs first.
Yeah, that's easy to say, and it's true. Um, its a WIP.
(no subject)
Date: 2010-01-07 09:02 pm (UTC)Oh, well said. Yes, it is that exactly, and you work on it when you can.
I think older fans in a lot of fandoms feel wary about LJ-style fandom even after all these years they've had to get used to it. I would expect they are comfortable with the people they know, and don't branch out much. Also, if I had a career at my age, I'd have very little online time. Did you join
There really are not any comms here on DW that are active, more's the pity.
(no subject)
Date: 2010-01-07 09:13 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2010-01-09 03:19 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2010-01-09 12:45 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2010-01-09 07:18 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2010-01-09 08:01 pm (UTC)Thank you for writing this post, I found it a thought-provoking and interesting read.
(no subject)
Date: 2010-01-09 10:04 pm (UTC)Here via access_fandom
Date: 2010-01-09 09:34 pm (UTC)Yes. My social anxiety limits my participation online (in fandom and other areas) as well as in-person socializing. Sometimes I think I can handle more participation and put myself out there a little. Then I run out of those emotional spoons (excellent way of putting it) and I retreat and lock down and lurk again for a long time.
The fact that I'm responding to your post and others today, is a sign that I have a spoon or two again after I felt like I was out for quite a while.
And I can relate so much to not minding physical pain as much as having to interact with people. There have been many times when I would even prefer it, given a choice between one or the other.
Re: Here via access_fandom
Date: 2010-01-10 03:41 pm (UTC)Yes, that is exactly how it is for me, too. Participating wears me out and I go into lurk mode to recover. Glad you could comment, as I often feel like I am the only person for whom the internet did not solve my social anxiety problem. It would be cool to have a community for people like us, I think, except for the part where we would all be lurking. Hee! Oh well.
Re: Here via access_fandom
Date: 2010-01-10 04:08 pm (UTC)I actually felt a bit of panic after commenting, but that's typical for me and it sounds like you can probably understand! It does help to find other people who feel this way, so I'm glad you could be public about it with this post.
Re: Here via access_fandom
Date: 2010-01-10 05:47 pm (UTC)OMG, thank you for saying that because I know that feeling so well. And it doesn't help that I feel I am being absurd.
Here from access fandom
Date: 2010-01-09 11:53 pm (UTC)I think there are probably lots of people who feel this way, but they're all reading this post, thinking "YES, THIS, EXACTLY," and can't quite manage to post a comment.
Re: Here from access fandom
Date: 2010-01-10 03:48 pm (UTC)I think there are probably lots of people who feel this way, but they're all reading this post, thinking "YES, THIS, EXACTLY," and can't quite manage to post a comment.
You are probably right about this, even though I often feel I am the only person who has this ridiculous problem. And it's a shame. I really want to talk to those people because they would probably be very careful about crushing my timid little self.
(no subject)
Date: 2010-01-13 05:53 pm (UTC)I've actually heard the opposite from some people - that they don't like it when TAB people use the spoon terminology, because there's a big difference between, say, someone with ME/CFS being out of spoons, and a TAB person being tired at the end of a very long day. I've heard it argued that this is in fact a qualitative difference, in the type of tiredness, rather than just a quantitative difference of how tired you are.
(I don't have any of the relevant illnesses, so I can't speak for them, but I was interested to hear the different point of view.)
(no subject)
Date: 2010-01-15 12:00 am (UTC)I don't know these acronyms. What do TAB, ME and CFS stand for?
(no subject)
Date: 2010-01-15 07:30 am (UTC)