Entry tags:
J2 Fic- You Have Not Lost Me
Title: You Have Not Lost Me
Author: erda
Fandom: CW RPS
Pairing: Jared/Jensen
Rating: R
Word Count: 5910
Warnings: See the fandom? This is real person slash. Don't like, don't read.
A/N: I started this story a while back for![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
silkmoth101, to remind her that no matter what happens out there in the world, a story can always fix it. It's what we do.
I have to thank the ficfinishing community for getting me through this, and first readerslbf_buzz and spn4ever.
Special thanks to my betaspace_raider182
Summary:This story concerns events around this Jared interview Part 1 and Part 2 and leading up to the March 27 - 29, 2009 Salute to Supernatural Convention in L.A. I'm not sure about the time line of events, but I tried.
Jensen figures he knows himself pretty well. See, after the make up girls get done with him, the lights are positioned precisely, and the cameraman fusses around getting the perfect angle, Jensen can look downright hot on camera. But in person, he knows his real self is ordinary. He takes his acting very seriously, works hard at it, but in the end he is only good enough for soap operas and b movies. Jensen knows he isn’t an idiot (bad press and awkward moments of freezing up in interviews not withstanding) but he isn’t particularly smart either. He isn’t charismatic, or witty, or even very likeable. He’s incredibly, boringly ordinary.
There is no reason in the world for someone like Jared to like him, so when the friendship starts crashing down, Jensen isn’t surprised. Not even a little.
Jensen is used to Jared’s noises. The default on Jared’s volume dial has always been set high, so when Jared hits the mute button Jensen notices right away, and it worries the hell out of him. Jared is quiet, brooding on something, and Jensen doesn’t want to know what the problem is. Jensen is cleaning off the crumbs of his lunch, brushing little bits of bread and cheese into his hand so he can toss them into the trash, wipe away the evidence of his presence before it can irritate Jared, but he isn’t quick enough. Jared gives a little huff of annoyance when he comes into the kitchen and sees Jensen scrabbling to scoop up the crumbs, making Jensen feel like he's been caught doing something wrong.
Jared ignores him, talking into his phone in a strange bitter way, saying something about how he's thankful he doesn't have to depend on his looks to get him through life, reaches up to the top shelf of the cupboard to pull out his special plate and then starts pulling lunch meat and cheese out of the fridge. He laughs at something and then snaps his phone shut abruptly, not looking at Jensen at all. The silence keeps itself company as Jensen slips out of the room.
Jensen knows he has only himself to blame. Within five minutes of meeting Jared he had the man pegged as a super extrovert, one of those people who become instant best buds with everyone they meet. Knowing the type, Jensen had tried not to fall under Jared’s spell. Only someone as extroverted as Jared could blow past Jensen’s shyness and get to know him, and Jensen knew he was vulnerable, would take the relationship to heart like he always did, and then Jared would have a million other best friends and Jensen would be left feeling pathetic when their friendship was more important to him than to Jared.
Jensen throws a change of clothes into his duffel bag and then pauses. It feels childish to slip off without telling Jared he’s leaving, but he doesn’t know what to say. He never knows what to say to Jared anymore. He just has to get away from the tension in the house so he can think.
Jensen sighs. He can’t trust his judgment when it comes to Jared. He wants too much from Jared to be objective about their relationship. He has never understood all the gratuitous touching that Jared does, not just to him, but to every guy he knows. He doesn’t understand what Jared means with all the joking around about being gay. Even after they were warned about the impression they were making, Jared didn't put the brakes on the touching, in fact, he seemed to find the whole thing hilarious and upped the ante by getting more outrageous. He’ll never, ever put his friendship with Jared at risk by trying to make a move on him, but he's never passed up any opportunity to drink up Jared's touches either, and he's felt safe touching back as long as Jared initiates it.
Jared used to initiate it all the time, hugs and pats that let Jensen pretend there really was something more than friendship between them. It was hard not to think Jared was, at the very least, bi-curious or whatever. All that is over now. Jared hasn't touched him in weeks. He's short with him all the time, even on the set. Jared seems determined to piss off everyone around him. He's overheard Jared complaining constantly lately, once even whining to crew members about the weather of all things. All the people they work with who were once charmed by Jared are now avoiding him, stung by his short temper too many times in the past few weeks.
Jensen has other friends. He does. Matt Tichenor, for instance. He’s on the crew, and Jensen has learned lots from him about camera techniques and filming in general. Matt has offered him a place to stay several times and now Jensen is going to take him up on it. Shows up at his door trying not to seem like he’s fleeing a lovers’ quarrel because he knows there is speculation around the set that he and Jared are together, how could there not be, with the sharing a house and all? “Hey,” Matt says a little awkwardly when he opens the door. He takes in the duffel bag Jensen is carrying and shows how much of a friend he is by not asking why he’s there, just steps back and lifts an arm in a gesture of welcome. He grabs the bag from Jensen and carries it back to a small bedroom.
Jensen sits around Matt's house waiting for Jared to call, or just show up at the door in his Jared way, contrite and generous with the hugs. But two endless days go by with no word from Jared.
The next day is Wednesday, and he knows Jared is gone on an early flight, off to publicize his movie, so Jensen goes back home-even as he tells himself he shouldn’t think of it as home anymore. At least the dogs are happy to see him, and he feeds them like always when Jared is away. He pulls his phone out, but doesn’t call up Jared’s message again, just cradles it in his hand, the little piece of evidence he has that Jared doesn’t hate him, or at least, didn’t hate him just a few short weeks ago.
It’s almost a relief to have Jared gone, except for the way Jensen misses him like a chopped off limb. He doesn’t know how he is going to get through the loss of Jared and the relationship they never really had.
He turns on the living room lamp as he sinks onto the couch, his fingers lingering on the little nick in the wooden base. The base of the lamp is a Teddy Bear, one china arm wrapped around its chubby waist while the other extends up the side as if holding the light bulb aloft. Seeing it brings back a flood of memories. The little stuffed bear he’d put as a joke on Jared’s bed after he’d hurt his arm, and Jared’s glee over the toy. It’s been on Jared’s bed ever since, in a place of honor on the center pillow, covers drawn up tenderly under its little chin every morning.
Weeks later, after Jensen had casually commented on the poor lighting in the living room, Jared had brought home the Teddy Bear lamp, unveiled it with a flourish, and Jensen had thought for a moment that there was something more than friendship in Jared’s eyes.
They’d been drinking too much and had gotten into a scuffle over the remote a few nights later. Jensen had dropped it onto the table, knocking off the back cover, and the batteries had gone flying, one of them hitting the base of the Teddy Bear lamp. Jared had thrown back his head and laughed raucously, saying, “you better not break our lamp, you fuck wad,” as Jensen launched himself at the teetering lamp to keep it from falling, his whole body humming at the way Jared had called it “our lamp.”
Jensen gives in to temptation and takes his phone back out, pulls up Jared’s text message. hey dude, thinking about you. hope it's going well. kick ass. enjoy. He remembers the hot rush of pleasure when he’d first seen the message, how much he’d wanted to share it with people, show everyone. Look, see, see how much Jared cares about me, see how close we are, how special our relationship is. The message is weeks old, and it seems the sentiment has long since left the building, but he can't stop clinging to it. God, what an idiot he is. No wonder Jared is sick of him.
Jensen's brown sweater, the one Jared calls his “old man” sweater, is draped across the back of the couch where Jared threw it days ago. Jared used to wear it around the house, and he's gotten it all stretched out, ruined it just like Jensen had loudly predicted he would, so that no one but Jared can ever wear it again, and then tossed it aside with typical Jared carelessness. Jensen picks it up, his nails hooking into it and clinging cat like. He jumps guiltily when he hears a key in the front door, which is instantly drowned out by the barking of the dogs. He tosses the sweater aside and stands up, energized by the sudden notion that Jared is home early, that somehow everything can be swept back under the rug and they can just be friends again.
When the door opens he has his expression completely under control, friendly and welcoming, and nothing else. It takes him a second to understand that it's not Jared, because who else would have a key? The young woman is just as surprised as he is when she looks up from the dogs and sees him there. It's Sheila, the dog sitter, and Jensen's stomach feels heavy and over full when he sees her, despite the fact he's hardly eaten a thing all day.
“Oh, hey,” Sheila says. She jingles her key chain and looks around as if she thinks Jared might appear. “Jared said you weren't around.”
“Yeah,” he says. He's overcome with awkwardness, feeling like he's been caught out as an unwelcome intruder, as if maybe Jared has been complaining about him to the dog sitter. The dog sitter he called because he assumed Jensen wasn't coming back.
“Well,” Sheila says after a very long moment of silence, “should I leave?”
“No, uh, go ahead and take them out,” Jensen says, waving an arm at the dogs. “I already fed them.” He just wants her gone, but he doesn't have any authority here in Jared's house, with Jared's dogs. He turns away from her abruptly, making an effort not to appear to be running away, and heads out to the garage. Maybe he can work out a bit, get his mind off everything. But when he gets there, Jared's presence is saturating the work out room just as much as it was the house.
He always has a million reasons not to work out with Jared, but the truth is that he doesn't need to see Jared, stripped to the waist, sweating and straining his powerful muscles, blissfully unaware of the effect he has on Jensen. Plus there was the one horrifying time Jared had noticed. He'd gotten an obvious hard on while they were working out, and Jared thought it was hilarious, going on and on about Jensen having the hots for his manly bod, having apparently no idea of how true it was. He also hadn't connected the incident with Jensen not wanting to share work out time with him, teasingly accusing Jensen of making flimsy excuses because he feared that Jared would show him up for the weakling he was. Jensen would roll his eyes and agree. Jared apparently was that innocent, that oblivious, and it really was just all in good fun to him.
Jensen gives up on working out and calls Matt up to see if he wants to hang out together. He doesn't remember that Matt was planning a party until he's already admitted to being at loose ends for the next few days. There's a convention coming up; he and Jared will be flying into LA for it as soon as Jared gets back, but until then he has nothing much to do. He doesn't want to go to a party, but Matt had opened his home to Jensen no questions asked, and that was the thing about having casual friends- you had to worry about keeping the favors even.
Jensen suspects Matt would have rather had Jared at his party, but Jensen will have to do since Jared is away. Jared has been taking the heat off of Jensen at parties for years, always ready to jump in when Jensen says something brainless and be twice as ridiculous, because Jared doesn't have to worry about people thinking he's an idiot; no matter what Jared does, he always ends up looking adorable. Going to a party without Jared is work, exhausting work, but Jensen is going to have to deal with it sooner or later, because he can't continue to depend on Jared. Doesn't mean he wants to go, but it does mean it's time to suck it up and get on with his life. His boring, lonely, pointless life. Jesus. He has to get a grip and stop feeling sorry for himself.
He knocks around the house talking to the dogs and not calling Jared for a couple of days, which doesn't make him feel any better. So he goes to the party, smiles and listens to people, and there's a girl who is really quite pretty and charming, and no doubt desirable to people who desire girls. Her name is Lisa, and she seems fine with carrying the conversational ball, asks him about himself and when he gives a minimal response, she's okay with switching over to talking about herself. Jensen drinks a little more than he should, because parties and meeting new people make him tense, but it's not so bad.
Some friend of Matt's whose name he's too self absorbed to remember holds up a magazine. “Have you seen this?” he asks, plopping it down on the counter in front of Jensen. He looks at the article against his better judgment, mostly because it would seem weird if he didn't. It's an interview with Jared, something he wouldn't normally read, but he misses Jared that much that he can't resist.
It's just the usual PR bullshit in the first few paragraphs, but then he sees this:
More recently, though, Jared's started dating again – he just won't tell us who his new girlfriend is!
As far as he knows, Jared isn't dating anyone. He hopes it's just an off the cuff remark to get a too inquisitive interviewer to back off, because he hates the idea that Jared could be dating someone and he wouldn't know anything about it.
He makes himself let go of that worry and continues reading.
If you just play the good looking guy then you get trapped... ...
just playing the good looking guy or the romantic lead, but there's nothing fun or challenging about that.
The thing about method acting is that it works best if you're the kind of person whose every feeling shows all over your face the second you feel it. That way, when you're in character, if you get into the emotion of your character, your work is pretty much done. You have to have a naturally expressive, easy to read face. Jensen knows he has that kind of face. It's why method acting works so well for him.
It's also why his face gets hot when he thinks that Jared's slighting reference to the good looking guy is a direct shot at him. He wants to be alone, to get away from all these people he doesn't care about, who don't care about him, because he can't keep the hurt from taking over his face. He ducks his head and keeps reading because he doesn't know what else to do. The interview just gets worse and worse. Jared sounds bitter and miserable, and he wants to be angry but it hurts too much to hear that Jared is tired of the show, tired of working with him, just wants to get back to his life in LA.
Jensen knows better than to take an interview like this seriously, he does. He's experienced first hand how much an interviewer can distort or misremember, or outright change what you say, and make you appear any way the interviewer wants. But the words in the interview sound so much like the things he's suspected Jared of thinking lately, and he's knocked out by the idea that Jared is so very unhappy with the life they've been leading together. Spending all day, every day, with Jared hasn't made him feel exhausted. At least, not until now. Now, for the first time, he feels sick of working, sick of the show, and misses his family. Mostly he feels sick of himself and his immense capacity for self delusion.
Somehow he manages to escape the party, making a lame excuse about not feeling well, and he heads back to Jared's house. They are going to have to have it out one way or another, and the sooner he faces up to what is happening the sooner he can stop carrying on like a child who has dropped his last piece of candy in a dusty road and tries to pick it up and rub the dirt off it to make it fresh again.
He has a few interviews of his own to do, and he can't keep some of the bitterness from seeping out. He finds himself listing all the things that never bothered him about being in Vancouver before. Just a few short weeks ago he had been praying for a fifth season and hoping against hope that there might even be a sixth, and now the idea of going on working with Jared, this new Jared who wants to move on, makes him want out himself. There isn't enough money in the world to keep him at this without Jared. He wants only to be done, out of the show, out of Vancouver, out of the mess he has made of his friendship with Jared.
Jensen packs up his bags. They have a convention to get through, and whether he feels like Saluting Supernatural right now is irrelevant, so he does all the preparations, gets the dogs' things ready for their stay at the kennel, closes everything up, all the while wondering if this is the last time he'll be doing this, staying in Jared's house, traveling with Jared.
When Jared finally gets home he makes it easy for Jensen. He's barely gotten through the door, bracing himself against the doorjamb as the dogs swarm over him, gifting him with their muddy paws and slobber, when he says, “We need to go now if we're going to make our flight, man.” Jensen grabs his luggage and they are off. The silence between them is immense, but after a while the awkwardness stretches out and creates a new normal, a normal where Jensen and Jared have nothing to say to each other beyond, excuse me, can you pass me that, and other inconsequentials that can't be avoided. But when they finally get to the hotel, Jared follows Jensen into his room. Before, that wouldn't have been unusual, but now, with this chill between them, Jensen wants him to leave. He needs time to himself to regroup, and he wants to avoid the showdown he senses coming as long as possible. “We need to talk, Jensen.” Jared says, his face as closed up and grim as a prisoner walking the last green mile.
The lack of any diminutive form of his name, and the determined expression so uncharacteristic of Jared, leaves a lump of dread in Jensen's chest, but he nods. What else can he do?
Jared doesn't even carry his luggage to his own room, just leaves everything sitting right by the door, moving slow and deliberate like he never does, as if the mere act of walking across the room and sitting on the couch takes all his concentration. He laces his fingers together, stretches his arms over his head, and cracks his knuckles. Jensen sits down in the chair across from the couch, tries his damnedest to catch Jared's eye, but Jared won't look at him.
Jared coughs. “This is even harder than I thought it would be.”
The knot of dread in Jensen's chest uncoils and wraps around his neck, making him feel like he's suffocating.
“I don't know where to start,” Jared says.
Jensen suppresses the desire to beg Jared not to start, to just let it go, give him another chance and he'll try harder, he won't be any trouble at all, that he's sorry for being the person he is, for wanting Jared so much, for whatever tipped things over the top for Jared. Of course he can't say anything like that, so he says nothing, grips the arms of the chair with both hands and waits.
Jared runs a hand through his hair, shakes his head. “So many times, Dude. I was just joking around. I never meant anything by it.” He sighs. “I guess the first time I suspected anything was that day we were working out together. Actually the last time we worked out together.”
“Jared-” he can't keep quiet, even though he doesn't know what to say.
“Dude, lemme talk, okay? I tried to be cool with it, but the truth is I'm not cool with it. You freaked me out.” Jared waves a hand dismissively when he opens his mouth to protest, argue, excuse, beg for mercy, he doesn't know what to do or say to make this stop, to make Jared stop destroying him.
“I got kind of pissed at you for a while, Dude. Because you changed up the rules on me there or something. I don't know. So I figured while I was away, I'd work it out in my mind, figure out how to deal with this, with you.”
The last thing Jensen wants is to be someone Jared has to figure out how to deal with. As Jared's voice fades away he's overcome by a feeling of inevitability about the whole thing, like it doesn't matter what he says or does. He's already lost Jared, the best friend he's ever had, and it's so stupid and ridiculous when he'd never wanted to do anything to put Jared in this position. He brings his attention back to what Jared is saying, feeling sluggish and stupid with grief.
“I wanted to see. I needed to find out if I could even do stuff with a guy, you know?”
His brain can't quite process what Jared is getting at.
“Yeah,” Jared laughs and waves one long arm around his head. “I went out and picked up some random dude so I could figure out what I really want.” Jared gives him a pleading look, like he's worried that Jensen might be mad at him.
Jensen makes himself answer and it comes out in a whisper. “Man, you didn’t have to go to a stranger for that.”
The look Jared gives him puts to rest the hope that he hasn't given away exactly how gone on him Jensen is. “I didn’t want to start something when I wasn’t even sure what I wanted, Jen. I don’t want to hurt you playing around like it’s not important. God, why is this so hard? You must think I’m a fucking moron, that I could be so dense all this time and not see.”
“Jared.” He’d stepped closer without meaning to. It seems vital that he not be the one to close the gap between them, and he makes himself stop moving. “I never thought you were a moron.” He flicks his wrist, tossing aside the notion that he can make any kind of judgment over the force of Jared’s personality, the core of his existence for almost four years now.
“Man,’ Jared drops his head, shaking it in disgust. “I’m too old to be this dumb. I honestly was just kidding around. I mean, I thought I was kidding around.”
“I know,” Jensen says. “ You like women enough that you never had to think about it.”
“What are you saying? You don’t like women? What about you and Danneel?”
Everything Jensen has been thinking about for weeks is shifting around and falling out in completely new ways, ways that make his chest expand with something that feels a lot like hope. “She’s one of the best friends I’ve ever had. We help each other survive. It keeps the heat off her and Elisabeth.” Jared's eyes go comically wide. “Jeez, Dude, I thought everybody knew. We haven't exactly tried very hard to fool anyone.”
Jared shrugs. “I didn't know. I mean, I've heard rumors, but, you know, there's rumors about everything.”
He looks away from Jared, keeping his voice casual, friendly, tosses off the question as if everything doesn’t rest on it. “So you hooked up with someone?”
He takes a quick glance at Jared, whose face has turned bright red, before dropping his gaze back to the floor.
Jared draws in a slow, noisy breath. “Yeah.”
Jensen waits, mostly because he can’t do anything else.
“I don’t know, man. It was okay, uh…” Jared huffs out an uncomfortable laugh. “It was just so strange. I’ve never been really comfortable picking up random people. I felt like an idiot. I wanted to see how it would be, if it could work for me, and I still don’t really know.”
“That’s okay,” Jensen says. It is okay, he realizes. “Dude, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.”
He can look at Jared now. Jared isn’t looking back, he’s slouched down looking surprisingly young and uncertain, worrying his lower lip with his teeth. It’s strange for Jensen to realize that Jared is nervous, that he’s scared of Jensen. Jared raises his head and looks at him finally, says, “I want to, Jen, I do.”
Only an enormous act of willpower keeps Jensen from reacting to that. He clenches his jaw against the surge of lust that washes over him.
Jared shrugs. “I just don’t know if I can…I’m not sure what it is I want exactly. If we could maybe try to, I don’t know. Fuck, Jen, I want to kiss you.” Jared, finally, finally moves, closes the distance between them and kisses Jensen with a lot more force than his tentative attitude had prepared Jensen for, and he takes the kiss and holds onto it, not making any assumptions from it.
Jared manhandles Jensen into the living room, not that he's trying to resist or anything, but when they get there, he changes his mind and stops the kissing for a minute. Jensen is so turned on he's disoriented by the sudden loss of contact. Jared may not have kissed a lot of guys, but he's clearly practiced lots with women. “Come on,” Jared says, grabbing his arm and practically wrenching it out of the socket in his eagerness to redirect them into Jensen's bedroom. Once there he goes back to the rough kissing and pushing with a flattering amount of pure greed.
They finally make it onto the bed, their mouths still locked together. Jared lands on his back, pulling Jensen over him, one hand tight on the back of his neck, the other hand roaming all over the small of his back. Jared turns his head to the side, breaking the kiss. “Jen,” he says. “I don't know what the hell I'm doing.”
His confession breaks through Jensen's lust addled brain and makes him laugh. “I think you're doing fine so far,” he says.
Jared leans back against the headboard and gives Jensen a heated look. “Take your clothes off for me, Jen.”
So maybe Jensen had been getting off on Jared's inexperience, but Jared running a hand down the quite impressive bulge at his own crotch, unzipping his zipper and palming his cock while staring at Jensen expectantly makes him feel weak with lust, and he stumbles when he stands up to remove his clothing. Jared doesn't smile or mock him, keeps staring at him intensely. Jensen can feel himself blushing, but it doesn't stop the tight, yes, now, need rushing through him.
Once his own clothing is off, Jensen knee walks up the bed and starts fumbling with the buttons on Jared's shirt, and that does make Jared smile. “In a hurry, Jen?” he asks. No doubt he wanted it to sound mocking, but it comes out breathless and he gives up any pretense of teasing and helps Jensen undress him.
Jared's cock doesn't look conflicted or inexperienced, and once Jensen sees it he grabs at his bedside table, jerking open the drawer and pulling out a condom and lube. Jared's eyes widen, but he gives a little nod of acquiescence that is all the encouragement Jensen needs. He leans over Jared and sucks the head of his dick into his mouth, tasting him eagerly. Jared jerks his hips in surprise and lets out a long hissing breath, then pulls on his arm, “Come up here, Jen.” Jensen ignores him, sits up and stretches the condom down over Jared. Jared cradles the back of Jensen's head in one huge hand. “Yeah?” his voice a whispered growl that sends a thrill down Jensen's spine. “That what you want from me, Jen?”
Jensen squirms up Jared's body then and kisses him again, keeps kissing until Jared pushes him off and onto his back, and then Jared slides down and sucks Jensen's dick into his mouth like he's been doing it all his life. He pulls back for a second to grab the lube and spread it onto his fingers, then the wet heat of his mouth drops over Jensen again as he reaches his fingers back behind Jensen's balls and breaches him with two fingers at once, sliding in on the slick and making Jensen gasp and arch into it.
Jensen runs through every swear word he knows until Jared pulls off him and flips him over onto his stomach, crawls up over his back to whisper in his ear. “You want it, Jenny? Want to feel my cock up your ass? Tell me you want it. Come on, man, tell me.”
“Yes, fuck yes, Jay, please,” Jared kisses the back of his neck in time with the rhythm of his babbling and goes straight to pushing his dick into Jensen, gently at first, but then hard and fast, jerking his hips and sinking halfway in so suddenly that Jensen can't hold back a pained grunt.
Jared goes still. “Sorry, fuck I'm sorry, Jen.”
“S'okay,” he says, slows his breathing back to normal with an effort.
Jared pets his back in apology, whispers to him. “Sorry, man, you're just so tight and hot and you feel so fucking good. I gotta move a little, please, babe, okay? Are you okay?”
Jensen can feel himself relax as Jared keeps petting him and whispering absurd endearments, and he shifts, pushing up against Jared until his dick slides in a little further. “Go, Jay, go ahead,” he urges, and that's all the permission Jared needs to push gently but steadily all the way in, leaving them both breathless and still for a moment before Jared starts to fuck in and out of him for real. Jensen pushes up onto his knees and meets Jared with every thrust.
Afterwards, sated and euphoric, Jensen curls up against Jared, clutching him to make sure he doesn't go anywhere without him, like, ever again.
Jared peppers his face with little kisses, as if he senses Jensen's insecurity and wants to banish it forever.
“How are you going to feel when we have to hide and lie?” Jensen can't seem to help ruining the moment.
“I'm good with hiding and lying,” Jared answers.
Jensen looks into Jared's facetious smile. “No, seriously,” he says. “I don't think you get how this is going to play out. We'll have to at least have girlfriends, and there may come a time when I have to get a separate apartment and spend at least a little time there. Letting people know about us isn't an option if we want our best shot in this business.”
“Seriously not a problem, Jen,” Jared says. “I don't expect you to jeopardize your career, and I don't intend to jeopardize mine. It's nobody's business what we are to each other but ours. Why does it bother you so much? Haven't you been hiding who you really are most of your life?”
Jensen shrugs. “I guess.”
Jared studies him. “It isn't about me is it? You're the one bothered, not me.”
Jensen shrugs again. “This isn't something, I mean, you're not someone I want to hide. It doesn't seem right.”
“It really matters to you, huh?” Jared shakes his head. “Well, listen. You're right, we have to hide, and I don't like it all that much, either. I know there are people out there who wouldn't approve of us being together, people who won't ever accept it. But I know there are other people, plenty of 'em, who would be happy for us. You ever heard that the best place to hide is in plain sight? I'm gonna make you a promise, Jen. I may have to deny that we're lovers, but I'll never deny that I love you. Anytime, anywhere that I have to deny who we are, or what we are to each other, I'mma follow it up with a word or a touch, or even just a glance at you, that puts the truth out there for you and anybody else that wants to see it.” He smiles. “Really, it's no more than I've been doing for years.”
Jensen has to look away from Jared's shining sincerity to keep from embarrassing himself, but he gives Jared a full body hug to tell him everything he can't say. They fall asleep wrapped up together on Jensen's bed, Jared's bags forgotten by the door.
When the alarm goes off, Jensen throws one arm across the bulk of Jared and hits the snooze button sleepily. Later Jared shakes him awake roughly, saying, “Moron, you turned the alarm off and now we’re going to be late to the con breakfast.” Jensen opens his eyes to Jared's face too close, unshaved and sporting an idiotic smile that he has to kiss a few times before he can get up.
Author: erda
Fandom: CW RPS
Pairing: Jared/Jensen
Rating: R
Word Count: 5910
Warnings: See the fandom? This is real person slash. Don't like, don't read.
A/N: I started this story a while back for
silkmoth101, to remind her that no matter what happens out there in the world, a story can always fix it. It's what we do.I have to thank the ficfinishing community for getting me through this, and first readers
lbf_buzz and spn4ever.Special thanks to my beta
space_raider182Summary:This story concerns events around this Jared interview Part 1 and Part 2 and leading up to the March 27 - 29, 2009 Salute to Supernatural Convention in L.A. I'm not sure about the time line of events, but I tried.
Jensen figures he knows himself pretty well. See, after the make up girls get done with him, the lights are positioned precisely, and the cameraman fusses around getting the perfect angle, Jensen can look downright hot on camera. But in person, he knows his real self is ordinary. He takes his acting very seriously, works hard at it, but in the end he is only good enough for soap operas and b movies. Jensen knows he isn’t an idiot (bad press and awkward moments of freezing up in interviews not withstanding) but he isn’t particularly smart either. He isn’t charismatic, or witty, or even very likeable. He’s incredibly, boringly ordinary.
There is no reason in the world for someone like Jared to like him, so when the friendship starts crashing down, Jensen isn’t surprised. Not even a little.
Jensen is used to Jared’s noises. The default on Jared’s volume dial has always been set high, so when Jared hits the mute button Jensen notices right away, and it worries the hell out of him. Jared is quiet, brooding on something, and Jensen doesn’t want to know what the problem is. Jensen is cleaning off the crumbs of his lunch, brushing little bits of bread and cheese into his hand so he can toss them into the trash, wipe away the evidence of his presence before it can irritate Jared, but he isn’t quick enough. Jared gives a little huff of annoyance when he comes into the kitchen and sees Jensen scrabbling to scoop up the crumbs, making Jensen feel like he's been caught doing something wrong.
Jared ignores him, talking into his phone in a strange bitter way, saying something about how he's thankful he doesn't have to depend on his looks to get him through life, reaches up to the top shelf of the cupboard to pull out his special plate and then starts pulling lunch meat and cheese out of the fridge. He laughs at something and then snaps his phone shut abruptly, not looking at Jensen at all. The silence keeps itself company as Jensen slips out of the room.
Jensen knows he has only himself to blame. Within five minutes of meeting Jared he had the man pegged as a super extrovert, one of those people who become instant best buds with everyone they meet. Knowing the type, Jensen had tried not to fall under Jared’s spell. Only someone as extroverted as Jared could blow past Jensen’s shyness and get to know him, and Jensen knew he was vulnerable, would take the relationship to heart like he always did, and then Jared would have a million other best friends and Jensen would be left feeling pathetic when their friendship was more important to him than to Jared.
Jensen throws a change of clothes into his duffel bag and then pauses. It feels childish to slip off without telling Jared he’s leaving, but he doesn’t know what to say. He never knows what to say to Jared anymore. He just has to get away from the tension in the house so he can think.
Jensen sighs. He can’t trust his judgment when it comes to Jared. He wants too much from Jared to be objective about their relationship. He has never understood all the gratuitous touching that Jared does, not just to him, but to every guy he knows. He doesn’t understand what Jared means with all the joking around about being gay. Even after they were warned about the impression they were making, Jared didn't put the brakes on the touching, in fact, he seemed to find the whole thing hilarious and upped the ante by getting more outrageous. He’ll never, ever put his friendship with Jared at risk by trying to make a move on him, but he's never passed up any opportunity to drink up Jared's touches either, and he's felt safe touching back as long as Jared initiates it.
Jared used to initiate it all the time, hugs and pats that let Jensen pretend there really was something more than friendship between them. It was hard not to think Jared was, at the very least, bi-curious or whatever. All that is over now. Jared hasn't touched him in weeks. He's short with him all the time, even on the set. Jared seems determined to piss off everyone around him. He's overheard Jared complaining constantly lately, once even whining to crew members about the weather of all things. All the people they work with who were once charmed by Jared are now avoiding him, stung by his short temper too many times in the past few weeks.
Jensen has other friends. He does. Matt Tichenor, for instance. He’s on the crew, and Jensen has learned lots from him about camera techniques and filming in general. Matt has offered him a place to stay several times and now Jensen is going to take him up on it. Shows up at his door trying not to seem like he’s fleeing a lovers’ quarrel because he knows there is speculation around the set that he and Jared are together, how could there not be, with the sharing a house and all? “Hey,” Matt says a little awkwardly when he opens the door. He takes in the duffel bag Jensen is carrying and shows how much of a friend he is by not asking why he’s there, just steps back and lifts an arm in a gesture of welcome. He grabs the bag from Jensen and carries it back to a small bedroom.
Jensen sits around Matt's house waiting for Jared to call, or just show up at the door in his Jared way, contrite and generous with the hugs. But two endless days go by with no word from Jared.
The next day is Wednesday, and he knows Jared is gone on an early flight, off to publicize his movie, so Jensen goes back home-even as he tells himself he shouldn’t think of it as home anymore. At least the dogs are happy to see him, and he feeds them like always when Jared is away. He pulls his phone out, but doesn’t call up Jared’s message again, just cradles it in his hand, the little piece of evidence he has that Jared doesn’t hate him, or at least, didn’t hate him just a few short weeks ago.
It’s almost a relief to have Jared gone, except for the way Jensen misses him like a chopped off limb. He doesn’t know how he is going to get through the loss of Jared and the relationship they never really had.
He turns on the living room lamp as he sinks onto the couch, his fingers lingering on the little nick in the wooden base. The base of the lamp is a Teddy Bear, one china arm wrapped around its chubby waist while the other extends up the side as if holding the light bulb aloft. Seeing it brings back a flood of memories. The little stuffed bear he’d put as a joke on Jared’s bed after he’d hurt his arm, and Jared’s glee over the toy. It’s been on Jared’s bed ever since, in a place of honor on the center pillow, covers drawn up tenderly under its little chin every morning.
Weeks later, after Jensen had casually commented on the poor lighting in the living room, Jared had brought home the Teddy Bear lamp, unveiled it with a flourish, and Jensen had thought for a moment that there was something more than friendship in Jared’s eyes.
They’d been drinking too much and had gotten into a scuffle over the remote a few nights later. Jensen had dropped it onto the table, knocking off the back cover, and the batteries had gone flying, one of them hitting the base of the Teddy Bear lamp. Jared had thrown back his head and laughed raucously, saying, “you better not break our lamp, you fuck wad,” as Jensen launched himself at the teetering lamp to keep it from falling, his whole body humming at the way Jared had called it “our lamp.”
Jensen gives in to temptation and takes his phone back out, pulls up Jared’s text message. hey dude, thinking about you. hope it's going well. kick ass. enjoy. He remembers the hot rush of pleasure when he’d first seen the message, how much he’d wanted to share it with people, show everyone. Look, see, see how much Jared cares about me, see how close we are, how special our relationship is. The message is weeks old, and it seems the sentiment has long since left the building, but he can't stop clinging to it. God, what an idiot he is. No wonder Jared is sick of him.
Jensen's brown sweater, the one Jared calls his “old man” sweater, is draped across the back of the couch where Jared threw it days ago. Jared used to wear it around the house, and he's gotten it all stretched out, ruined it just like Jensen had loudly predicted he would, so that no one but Jared can ever wear it again, and then tossed it aside with typical Jared carelessness. Jensen picks it up, his nails hooking into it and clinging cat like. He jumps guiltily when he hears a key in the front door, which is instantly drowned out by the barking of the dogs. He tosses the sweater aside and stands up, energized by the sudden notion that Jared is home early, that somehow everything can be swept back under the rug and they can just be friends again.
When the door opens he has his expression completely under control, friendly and welcoming, and nothing else. It takes him a second to understand that it's not Jared, because who else would have a key? The young woman is just as surprised as he is when she looks up from the dogs and sees him there. It's Sheila, the dog sitter, and Jensen's stomach feels heavy and over full when he sees her, despite the fact he's hardly eaten a thing all day.
“Oh, hey,” Sheila says. She jingles her key chain and looks around as if she thinks Jared might appear. “Jared said you weren't around.”
“Yeah,” he says. He's overcome with awkwardness, feeling like he's been caught out as an unwelcome intruder, as if maybe Jared has been complaining about him to the dog sitter. The dog sitter he called because he assumed Jensen wasn't coming back.
“Well,” Sheila says after a very long moment of silence, “should I leave?”
“No, uh, go ahead and take them out,” Jensen says, waving an arm at the dogs. “I already fed them.” He just wants her gone, but he doesn't have any authority here in Jared's house, with Jared's dogs. He turns away from her abruptly, making an effort not to appear to be running away, and heads out to the garage. Maybe he can work out a bit, get his mind off everything. But when he gets there, Jared's presence is saturating the work out room just as much as it was the house.
He always has a million reasons not to work out with Jared, but the truth is that he doesn't need to see Jared, stripped to the waist, sweating and straining his powerful muscles, blissfully unaware of the effect he has on Jensen. Plus there was the one horrifying time Jared had noticed. He'd gotten an obvious hard on while they were working out, and Jared thought it was hilarious, going on and on about Jensen having the hots for his manly bod, having apparently no idea of how true it was. He also hadn't connected the incident with Jensen not wanting to share work out time with him, teasingly accusing Jensen of making flimsy excuses because he feared that Jared would show him up for the weakling he was. Jensen would roll his eyes and agree. Jared apparently was that innocent, that oblivious, and it really was just all in good fun to him.
Jensen gives up on working out and calls Matt up to see if he wants to hang out together. He doesn't remember that Matt was planning a party until he's already admitted to being at loose ends for the next few days. There's a convention coming up; he and Jared will be flying into LA for it as soon as Jared gets back, but until then he has nothing much to do. He doesn't want to go to a party, but Matt had opened his home to Jensen no questions asked, and that was the thing about having casual friends- you had to worry about keeping the favors even.
Jensen suspects Matt would have rather had Jared at his party, but Jensen will have to do since Jared is away. Jared has been taking the heat off of Jensen at parties for years, always ready to jump in when Jensen says something brainless and be twice as ridiculous, because Jared doesn't have to worry about people thinking he's an idiot; no matter what Jared does, he always ends up looking adorable. Going to a party without Jared is work, exhausting work, but Jensen is going to have to deal with it sooner or later, because he can't continue to depend on Jared. Doesn't mean he wants to go, but it does mean it's time to suck it up and get on with his life. His boring, lonely, pointless life. Jesus. He has to get a grip and stop feeling sorry for himself.
He knocks around the house talking to the dogs and not calling Jared for a couple of days, which doesn't make him feel any better. So he goes to the party, smiles and listens to people, and there's a girl who is really quite pretty and charming, and no doubt desirable to people who desire girls. Her name is Lisa, and she seems fine with carrying the conversational ball, asks him about himself and when he gives a minimal response, she's okay with switching over to talking about herself. Jensen drinks a little more than he should, because parties and meeting new people make him tense, but it's not so bad.
Some friend of Matt's whose name he's too self absorbed to remember holds up a magazine. “Have you seen this?” he asks, plopping it down on the counter in front of Jensen. He looks at the article against his better judgment, mostly because it would seem weird if he didn't. It's an interview with Jared, something he wouldn't normally read, but he misses Jared that much that he can't resist.
It's just the usual PR bullshit in the first few paragraphs, but then he sees this:
More recently, though, Jared's started dating again – he just won't tell us who his new girlfriend is!
As far as he knows, Jared isn't dating anyone. He hopes it's just an off the cuff remark to get a too inquisitive interviewer to back off, because he hates the idea that Jared could be dating someone and he wouldn't know anything about it.
He makes himself let go of that worry and continues reading.
If you just play the good looking guy then you get trapped... ...
just playing the good looking guy or the romantic lead, but there's nothing fun or challenging about that.
The thing about method acting is that it works best if you're the kind of person whose every feeling shows all over your face the second you feel it. That way, when you're in character, if you get into the emotion of your character, your work is pretty much done. You have to have a naturally expressive, easy to read face. Jensen knows he has that kind of face. It's why method acting works so well for him.
It's also why his face gets hot when he thinks that Jared's slighting reference to the good looking guy is a direct shot at him. He wants to be alone, to get away from all these people he doesn't care about, who don't care about him, because he can't keep the hurt from taking over his face. He ducks his head and keeps reading because he doesn't know what else to do. The interview just gets worse and worse. Jared sounds bitter and miserable, and he wants to be angry but it hurts too much to hear that Jared is tired of the show, tired of working with him, just wants to get back to his life in LA.
Jensen knows better than to take an interview like this seriously, he does. He's experienced first hand how much an interviewer can distort or misremember, or outright change what you say, and make you appear any way the interviewer wants. But the words in the interview sound so much like the things he's suspected Jared of thinking lately, and he's knocked out by the idea that Jared is so very unhappy with the life they've been leading together. Spending all day, every day, with Jared hasn't made him feel exhausted. At least, not until now. Now, for the first time, he feels sick of working, sick of the show, and misses his family. Mostly he feels sick of himself and his immense capacity for self delusion.
Somehow he manages to escape the party, making a lame excuse about not feeling well, and he heads back to Jared's house. They are going to have to have it out one way or another, and the sooner he faces up to what is happening the sooner he can stop carrying on like a child who has dropped his last piece of candy in a dusty road and tries to pick it up and rub the dirt off it to make it fresh again.
He has a few interviews of his own to do, and he can't keep some of the bitterness from seeping out. He finds himself listing all the things that never bothered him about being in Vancouver before. Just a few short weeks ago he had been praying for a fifth season and hoping against hope that there might even be a sixth, and now the idea of going on working with Jared, this new Jared who wants to move on, makes him want out himself. There isn't enough money in the world to keep him at this without Jared. He wants only to be done, out of the show, out of Vancouver, out of the mess he has made of his friendship with Jared.
Jensen packs up his bags. They have a convention to get through, and whether he feels like Saluting Supernatural right now is irrelevant, so he does all the preparations, gets the dogs' things ready for their stay at the kennel, closes everything up, all the while wondering if this is the last time he'll be doing this, staying in Jared's house, traveling with Jared.
When Jared finally gets home he makes it easy for Jensen. He's barely gotten through the door, bracing himself against the doorjamb as the dogs swarm over him, gifting him with their muddy paws and slobber, when he says, “We need to go now if we're going to make our flight, man.” Jensen grabs his luggage and they are off. The silence between them is immense, but after a while the awkwardness stretches out and creates a new normal, a normal where Jensen and Jared have nothing to say to each other beyond, excuse me, can you pass me that, and other inconsequentials that can't be avoided. But when they finally get to the hotel, Jared follows Jensen into his room. Before, that wouldn't have been unusual, but now, with this chill between them, Jensen wants him to leave. He needs time to himself to regroup, and he wants to avoid the showdown he senses coming as long as possible. “We need to talk, Jensen.” Jared says, his face as closed up and grim as a prisoner walking the last green mile.
The lack of any diminutive form of his name, and the determined expression so uncharacteristic of Jared, leaves a lump of dread in Jensen's chest, but he nods. What else can he do?
Jared doesn't even carry his luggage to his own room, just leaves everything sitting right by the door, moving slow and deliberate like he never does, as if the mere act of walking across the room and sitting on the couch takes all his concentration. He laces his fingers together, stretches his arms over his head, and cracks his knuckles. Jensen sits down in the chair across from the couch, tries his damnedest to catch Jared's eye, but Jared won't look at him.
Jared coughs. “This is even harder than I thought it would be.”
The knot of dread in Jensen's chest uncoils and wraps around his neck, making him feel like he's suffocating.
“I don't know where to start,” Jared says.
Jensen suppresses the desire to beg Jared not to start, to just let it go, give him another chance and he'll try harder, he won't be any trouble at all, that he's sorry for being the person he is, for wanting Jared so much, for whatever tipped things over the top for Jared. Of course he can't say anything like that, so he says nothing, grips the arms of the chair with both hands and waits.
Jared runs a hand through his hair, shakes his head. “So many times, Dude. I was just joking around. I never meant anything by it.” He sighs. “I guess the first time I suspected anything was that day we were working out together. Actually the last time we worked out together.”
“Jared-” he can't keep quiet, even though he doesn't know what to say.
“Dude, lemme talk, okay? I tried to be cool with it, but the truth is I'm not cool with it. You freaked me out.” Jared waves a hand dismissively when he opens his mouth to protest, argue, excuse, beg for mercy, he doesn't know what to do or say to make this stop, to make Jared stop destroying him.
“I got kind of pissed at you for a while, Dude. Because you changed up the rules on me there or something. I don't know. So I figured while I was away, I'd work it out in my mind, figure out how to deal with this, with you.”
The last thing Jensen wants is to be someone Jared has to figure out how to deal with. As Jared's voice fades away he's overcome by a feeling of inevitability about the whole thing, like it doesn't matter what he says or does. He's already lost Jared, the best friend he's ever had, and it's so stupid and ridiculous when he'd never wanted to do anything to put Jared in this position. He brings his attention back to what Jared is saying, feeling sluggish and stupid with grief.
“I wanted to see. I needed to find out if I could even do stuff with a guy, you know?”
His brain can't quite process what Jared is getting at.
“Yeah,” Jared laughs and waves one long arm around his head. “I went out and picked up some random dude so I could figure out what I really want.” Jared gives him a pleading look, like he's worried that Jensen might be mad at him.
Jensen makes himself answer and it comes out in a whisper. “Man, you didn’t have to go to a stranger for that.”
The look Jared gives him puts to rest the hope that he hasn't given away exactly how gone on him Jensen is. “I didn’t want to start something when I wasn’t even sure what I wanted, Jen. I don’t want to hurt you playing around like it’s not important. God, why is this so hard? You must think I’m a fucking moron, that I could be so dense all this time and not see.”
“Jared.” He’d stepped closer without meaning to. It seems vital that he not be the one to close the gap between them, and he makes himself stop moving. “I never thought you were a moron.” He flicks his wrist, tossing aside the notion that he can make any kind of judgment over the force of Jared’s personality, the core of his existence for almost four years now.
“Man,’ Jared drops his head, shaking it in disgust. “I’m too old to be this dumb. I honestly was just kidding around. I mean, I thought I was kidding around.”
“I know,” Jensen says. “ You like women enough that you never had to think about it.”
“What are you saying? You don’t like women? What about you and Danneel?”
Everything Jensen has been thinking about for weeks is shifting around and falling out in completely new ways, ways that make his chest expand with something that feels a lot like hope. “She’s one of the best friends I’ve ever had. We help each other survive. It keeps the heat off her and Elisabeth.” Jared's eyes go comically wide. “Jeez, Dude, I thought everybody knew. We haven't exactly tried very hard to fool anyone.”
Jared shrugs. “I didn't know. I mean, I've heard rumors, but, you know, there's rumors about everything.”
He looks away from Jared, keeping his voice casual, friendly, tosses off the question as if everything doesn’t rest on it. “So you hooked up with someone?”
He takes a quick glance at Jared, whose face has turned bright red, before dropping his gaze back to the floor.
Jared draws in a slow, noisy breath. “Yeah.”
Jensen waits, mostly because he can’t do anything else.
“I don’t know, man. It was okay, uh…” Jared huffs out an uncomfortable laugh. “It was just so strange. I’ve never been really comfortable picking up random people. I felt like an idiot. I wanted to see how it would be, if it could work for me, and I still don’t really know.”
“That’s okay,” Jensen says. It is okay, he realizes. “Dude, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.”
He can look at Jared now. Jared isn’t looking back, he’s slouched down looking surprisingly young and uncertain, worrying his lower lip with his teeth. It’s strange for Jensen to realize that Jared is nervous, that he’s scared of Jensen. Jared raises his head and looks at him finally, says, “I want to, Jen, I do.”
Only an enormous act of willpower keeps Jensen from reacting to that. He clenches his jaw against the surge of lust that washes over him.
Jared shrugs. “I just don’t know if I can…I’m not sure what it is I want exactly. If we could maybe try to, I don’t know. Fuck, Jen, I want to kiss you.” Jared, finally, finally moves, closes the distance between them and kisses Jensen with a lot more force than his tentative attitude had prepared Jensen for, and he takes the kiss and holds onto it, not making any assumptions from it.
Jared manhandles Jensen into the living room, not that he's trying to resist or anything, but when they get there, he changes his mind and stops the kissing for a minute. Jensen is so turned on he's disoriented by the sudden loss of contact. Jared may not have kissed a lot of guys, but he's clearly practiced lots with women. “Come on,” Jared says, grabbing his arm and practically wrenching it out of the socket in his eagerness to redirect them into Jensen's bedroom. Once there he goes back to the rough kissing and pushing with a flattering amount of pure greed.
They finally make it onto the bed, their mouths still locked together. Jared lands on his back, pulling Jensen over him, one hand tight on the back of his neck, the other hand roaming all over the small of his back. Jared turns his head to the side, breaking the kiss. “Jen,” he says. “I don't know what the hell I'm doing.”
His confession breaks through Jensen's lust addled brain and makes him laugh. “I think you're doing fine so far,” he says.
Jared leans back against the headboard and gives Jensen a heated look. “Take your clothes off for me, Jen.”
So maybe Jensen had been getting off on Jared's inexperience, but Jared running a hand down the quite impressive bulge at his own crotch, unzipping his zipper and palming his cock while staring at Jensen expectantly makes him feel weak with lust, and he stumbles when he stands up to remove his clothing. Jared doesn't smile or mock him, keeps staring at him intensely. Jensen can feel himself blushing, but it doesn't stop the tight, yes, now, need rushing through him.
Once his own clothing is off, Jensen knee walks up the bed and starts fumbling with the buttons on Jared's shirt, and that does make Jared smile. “In a hurry, Jen?” he asks. No doubt he wanted it to sound mocking, but it comes out breathless and he gives up any pretense of teasing and helps Jensen undress him.
Jared's cock doesn't look conflicted or inexperienced, and once Jensen sees it he grabs at his bedside table, jerking open the drawer and pulling out a condom and lube. Jared's eyes widen, but he gives a little nod of acquiescence that is all the encouragement Jensen needs. He leans over Jared and sucks the head of his dick into his mouth, tasting him eagerly. Jared jerks his hips in surprise and lets out a long hissing breath, then pulls on his arm, “Come up here, Jen.” Jensen ignores him, sits up and stretches the condom down over Jared. Jared cradles the back of Jensen's head in one huge hand. “Yeah?” his voice a whispered growl that sends a thrill down Jensen's spine. “That what you want from me, Jen?”
Jensen squirms up Jared's body then and kisses him again, keeps kissing until Jared pushes him off and onto his back, and then Jared slides down and sucks Jensen's dick into his mouth like he's been doing it all his life. He pulls back for a second to grab the lube and spread it onto his fingers, then the wet heat of his mouth drops over Jensen again as he reaches his fingers back behind Jensen's balls and breaches him with two fingers at once, sliding in on the slick and making Jensen gasp and arch into it.
Jensen runs through every swear word he knows until Jared pulls off him and flips him over onto his stomach, crawls up over his back to whisper in his ear. “You want it, Jenny? Want to feel my cock up your ass? Tell me you want it. Come on, man, tell me.”
“Yes, fuck yes, Jay, please,” Jared kisses the back of his neck in time with the rhythm of his babbling and goes straight to pushing his dick into Jensen, gently at first, but then hard and fast, jerking his hips and sinking halfway in so suddenly that Jensen can't hold back a pained grunt.
Jared goes still. “Sorry, fuck I'm sorry, Jen.”
“S'okay,” he says, slows his breathing back to normal with an effort.
Jared pets his back in apology, whispers to him. “Sorry, man, you're just so tight and hot and you feel so fucking good. I gotta move a little, please, babe, okay? Are you okay?”
Jensen can feel himself relax as Jared keeps petting him and whispering absurd endearments, and he shifts, pushing up against Jared until his dick slides in a little further. “Go, Jay, go ahead,” he urges, and that's all the permission Jared needs to push gently but steadily all the way in, leaving them both breathless and still for a moment before Jared starts to fuck in and out of him for real. Jensen pushes up onto his knees and meets Jared with every thrust.
Afterwards, sated and euphoric, Jensen curls up against Jared, clutching him to make sure he doesn't go anywhere without him, like, ever again.
Jared peppers his face with little kisses, as if he senses Jensen's insecurity and wants to banish it forever.
“How are you going to feel when we have to hide and lie?” Jensen can't seem to help ruining the moment.
“I'm good with hiding and lying,” Jared answers.
Jensen looks into Jared's facetious smile. “No, seriously,” he says. “I don't think you get how this is going to play out. We'll have to at least have girlfriends, and there may come a time when I have to get a separate apartment and spend at least a little time there. Letting people know about us isn't an option if we want our best shot in this business.”
“Seriously not a problem, Jen,” Jared says. “I don't expect you to jeopardize your career, and I don't intend to jeopardize mine. It's nobody's business what we are to each other but ours. Why does it bother you so much? Haven't you been hiding who you really are most of your life?”
Jensen shrugs. “I guess.”
Jared studies him. “It isn't about me is it? You're the one bothered, not me.”
Jensen shrugs again. “This isn't something, I mean, you're not someone I want to hide. It doesn't seem right.”
“It really matters to you, huh?” Jared shakes his head. “Well, listen. You're right, we have to hide, and I don't like it all that much, either. I know there are people out there who wouldn't approve of us being together, people who won't ever accept it. But I know there are other people, plenty of 'em, who would be happy for us. You ever heard that the best place to hide is in plain sight? I'm gonna make you a promise, Jen. I may have to deny that we're lovers, but I'll never deny that I love you. Anytime, anywhere that I have to deny who we are, or what we are to each other, I'mma follow it up with a word or a touch, or even just a glance at you, that puts the truth out there for you and anybody else that wants to see it.” He smiles. “Really, it's no more than I've been doing for years.”
Jensen has to look away from Jared's shining sincerity to keep from embarrassing himself, but he gives Jared a full body hug to tell him everything he can't say. They fall asleep wrapped up together on Jensen's bed, Jared's bags forgotten by the door.
When the alarm goes off, Jensen throws one arm across the bulk of Jared and hits the snooze button sleepily. Later Jared shakes him awake roughly, saying, “Moron, you turned the alarm off and now we’re going to be late to the con breakfast.” Jensen opens his eyes to Jared's face too close, unshaved and sporting an idiotic smile that he has to kiss a few times before he can get up.